Friday, October 22, 2004

A tribute to Deb

Deb – yes, Deb. I love her. There are so many things she is good for, yet nobody really knows her that well. Certainly no-one in my immediate circle has any appreciation for her qualities in the same way that I do.

There is not a lot of literature out there on Deb™ Instant Mashed Potato, for some odd reason. The only reference I could find in the WA Public Library system was here. Sounds good – sometimes I think the mashed potato I create is almost sentient too.

I don’t know why Deb is so ignored, there is a lot that can happen where Deb is involved. Like a massive carbohydrate intake, for instance. Or otherwise- as illustrated here, and here. (Although there are some truly sad episodes, like this one. Baked Beans and Deb! – you masochist!) Let me briefly share with you what wisdom I can impart on Deb. Take a normal pack of Continental Deb Instant Mashed Potato (125g), one slightly harried-looking kitchen, and one or two appliances. (Heating is essential for this recipe. Trust me.)

One word: gravy - a must-have; or, if in a position not to have gravy, extra water and a leftover sachet of two minute noodles flavouring and some cornflour will do. If you don’t have that, then cripes, you are hard up, aren’t you? Tough bikkies. Throw in some bits of dried green stuff instead (shredded Astroturf will do in a pinch), and some garlic and/or onion flakes (both if possible), which of course you will have a good supply of. Be generous when shaking the container. (If you have none of these, why then you must be eating out of rubbish bins).

Best result is thus: cook up an onion, some bacon bits or strips (this works fine from frozen), whack in crushed garlic from a jar, some hacked salami (any brand will do, the main thing is the lumpiness and flavour). When this is making uncomfortable noises, get your Deb on the go in the microwave tub with some preboiled hot water. About the time you’re going for your third beer (or second if you’re a slow drinker) things are coming together.

You now have two choices: throw the Deb mass from the tub into the pan of still-frying stuff (really, really not recommended) or heave the wad of Deb into a receptacle and pile the other greasy bits on top, with the gravy-thing you have also been preparing meanwhile. I say ‘gravy-thing’, because that is the only polite term I can come up with to describe my favorite brown topping for Deb.

Grab said receptacle, now filled with artery-swelling goodness, perch self on couch with extra beer (you will not be able to move too rapidly after this lot) and dig in. I said dig. That is not a euphemism. Hack away – it’s good stuff. Two gold stars if you finish it.
All hail the mighty Deb Instant Mashed Potato!

1 comment:

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