I'm bathed in a cold sweat. As my nausea increases, I notice a tic begin to develop on the left side of my face. Somewhere in the preternatural stillness, a clock ticks like some impersonal harbinger of doom.
Wait, I don't have a clock. Where's that coming from?
It's now been four days without a home internet connection. This is intolerable. Life has become a hollow, meaningless shuffling routine.
I've tried filling the void with books, music and DVDs, but it isn't working; somehow, it just makes it all worse (and no, please don't mention TV -- I still have some dignity).
I mentioned my plight to The Drones (at work) but received no sympathy. They seemed to think it was some kind of luxury - yeah, like sugar in your coffee, or Weetbix without milk. Go on, you try that and see how you like it, you sanctimonious Luddite.
No, this really is too-- oh hey, this thing has games on it too! Beauty, that's more like it!
You may have seen this; Coles is being forced to rename their 'Creole Creams' largely due to the actions of Mr Sam Watson of The University of Queensland, who probably didn't get the right bikkies with his tea one morning and took exception to the product. Full article here.
Personally, I think it's all a load of w-- well, I'll let you, dear reader, form your own opinion. It may be however, that claiming "This is the same kind of thought that underpinned horrific regimes like the Nazis" is stretching things a wee bit.
It would be cynical of me to muse though that Mr Watson may be about to release his latest book or film, and wouldn't say No to a bit of publicity right now. I'm sure his motives are honorable, if possibly a little overly enthusiastic.
Genocidal baked goods, coming soon to a supermarket near you... if he'd seen the Redskins on sale in the confectionary aisle he might have had an apoplexy. Who knows what would have happened if he wandered past the cheeses in the dairy section?
Whatever you make of it, what I did find interesting though was that where the story was regurgitated in my local paper (The West Australian), a couple of inches to the left of the article was an advertisement for 'jerry cans' from some hardware joint.
Now as any reader of the old Commando comics or a fan of any WWII film made in the last century can tell you, 'Jerry' is a derogatory term for all things German that gained popularity in the 1940s.
Well, I’m finally getting to the last of the Mysterious Things that have been floating around the pantry for absolutely ages. I managed to knock off the can of fried gluten on the weekend, and I do not think I will be buying more in the future. Nor the vegetarioan chop suey - I have no idea what those little brown spiral things in it were, nor much of the other ingredients for that matter.
There are still two disturbing items to tackle though; the little can of pickled lettuce (sauerkraut is fine, but lettuce?) and something called pickled mustard greens. Once these are gone though, all I have left is a 5kg bag of rice and a litre bottle of Maggi seasoning. And some onions. And about a kilo of salted liquorice.